Processing with self. Communicating with others.

Clarity inside. Connection outside.

When we process our experience, we move from reaction to choice. When we communicate from clarity, we build connection instead of conflict. This formula helps us understand ourselves and express ourselves.

Part 1: Process with self

Get clear on what’s happening inside before you speak it out loud.

When I ______What I notice with my senses. Facts, not stories.

I think ______The story my mind is telling me. A thought, not fact.

I feel ______The emotion in my body. My feelings are valid.

I want/need ______What matters to me right now. A want or a need.

I will ______What I choose to do. My responsibility.

Will you ______What I’m asking of you (if anything). Their choice.

Part 2: Communicate with others

Use the same formula to speak clearly, kindly, and confidently.

When I ______Ex: When I hear the dishes clanking…

I think ______Ex: I think you’re angry with me.

I feel ______Ex: I feel anxious and overwhelmed.

I want/need ______Ex: I need reassurance and some calm.

I will ______Ex: I will take a few deep breaths and give myself a minute.

Will you ______Ex: Will you let me know what’s going on?

This isn’t about being perfect. It’s about getting clear. The more we practice, the more natural it becomes: to understand ourselves and to communicate in a way that honors everyone.

The same moment, both ways

Example: with self

When I hear the door slam,
I think something is wrong.
I feel tense and worried.
I need safety and reassurance.
I will take a few deep breaths.
Will you… (not applicable here)

Result

I soothe myself and choose how to respond.

Example: with others

When I hear the door slam,
I think something is wrong.
I feel tense and worried.
I need safety and reassurance.
I will take a few deep breaths.
Will you let me know what’s going on?

Result

I communicate clearly and invite connection.

Why this works

Helps us stay grounded in facts, not assumptions.
Creates space between our thoughts and our feelings.
Honors our needs without blaming or shaming.
Takes responsibility for ourselves.
Invites connection instead of defensiveness.

Tips for using this formula

When I

Stick to what you actually observe. Leave out the interpretations.

I think

Notice the difference between thoughts (stories) and feelings (emotions).

I feel

All feelings are information. You don’t have to justify them.

I want/need

Needs are not demands. They are part of being human.

I will

You can only control your own actions.

Will you

Requests invite. They don’t force or fix.

Try it yourself

Pick one moment from this week. Fill in each line, first for yourself, then as you might say it out loud.

When I
I think
I feel
I want/need
I will
Will you

You are allowed to take up space. You are allowed to have needs.
You are allowed to ask for what helps. You are allowed to change your mind.
You are allowed to be human.

Clarity is self-respect. Communication is connection.