Misunderstanding goes both ways.

Brain Library · Double Empathy

When autistic and non-autistic people misread each other, it’s a two-way mismatch between styles, not a flaw in the autistic person. Research suggests autistic people often communicate well with each other.

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A · Two languages, one conversation

Often autistic

“I said exactly what I meant.”

Often non-autistic

“I thought you’d pick up on it.”

The gap has two sides

Directness

Says it plainly: “That won’t work.” / Hints: “Hmm, maybe we could…”

Eye contact

May look away to listen better / May read that as “not listening”

Small talk

Often skips to the real topic / Warms up with chit-chat first

Tone

A flat tone isn’t upset or bored / Tone carries much of the meaning

Info-dumping

Deep detail as a way to connect / May wonder, “Why so much?”

B · It’s not a one-sided problem

Old view

“Autistic people lack empathy.” Puts the whole problem inside one person.

Better view

“Different styles. Both sides can bridge.” Empathy gaps run in both directions.

Autistic + autistic: often flows well
Non-autistic + non-autistic: often flows well
Across styles: both sides miss cues

C · Building the bridge

If you’re ND

1 Name your style, if it feels safe. “I’m direct. It isn’t rudeness.”
2 Ask when it’s unclear. “Is that a hint, or a request?”
3 Ask for what helps. You don’t have to do all the bridging.

If you’re NT

1 Say what you mean. Plain words land better than hints.
2 Look past the surface. A flat tone can still mean “I care.”
3 Get curious. An info-dump is often an invitation.

Meet in the middle.

Use these questions on your own, in session, or with someone you trust. Answer in words, lists or doodles. There’s no wrong way in.

Think of a conversation that went sideways. What might each person have meant, and heard?
Who do you feel most easily understood by? What makes talking with them feel easy?
Which parts of your communication style would you like others to understand, not change?
Have you ever been told you “lack empathy”? How does the two-way view change that story for you?
Where do you do most of the bridging? Where could someone else meet you halfway?
What is one sentence you could say to explain your style to someone new?

Try this week

Next time something feels off, ask one clarifying question instead of guessing. What happened?

For reflection and practice, not diagnosis. Bring it to your next session if you’d like to talk it through.

Sources and credits. Idea from Damian Milton’s “double empathy problem” · Source: Milton (2012). Research is still growing; everyone’s style is their own. SOLA · Neurodivergent Education & Community